In which I discuss adoption
I don't know why but I woke up this morning with a prompting to blog about a topic that is very near and dear to my heart--adoption. I would like to address all the potential birth-grandmas, especially the ones of the LDS faith. In writing this there is no judgment on my part, and I freely acknowledge that every circumstance is different.
I find it really interesting that without exception people are overjoyed for the adoptive couple who are blessed with that precious baby. Family and friends are thrilled to welcome the new addition, can't believe how long the couple waited, and exclaim over the fact that the couple are so deserving of a baby. What seems to be missing is acknowledgment of the other part of the equation. For every deserving couple there is a courageous girl and her family who realized they weren't giving the baby away, they were giving the baby MORE.
In my limited experience it seems that a big deterrent to LDS birth moms placing their babies for adoption is their family, especially their own mother who can't imagine "giving away" their own flesh and blood. How can the lives of deserving couples be blessed without the sacrifice of unselfish girls and their mothers? I would just like to encourage any who find themselves in the situation of an unplanned, unmarried pregnancy to consider adoption.
Adoption is not about giving "away" a baby; it is about giving the baby more. When my daughter announced she was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with many emotions. My first concern was for my daughter's health and the health of the baby. I vowed to support my daughter any way I could but naturally first encouraged her to possibly marry the father and/or consider adoption. It was not that I felt my daughter would be a bad mother; on the contrary, I knew she would be and will be a great mother. She is kind, compassionate, mature and loving. I also knew I could help her. I have raised five children; I'm ok at the mothering thing. But for me and ultimately my daughter it came down to what was best for that innocent baby. In the ultimate plan of our Heavenly Father, would my daughter be able to bring her child into a covenant marriage? When marriage was not an option, the realization of doing what was best for the baby helped my daughter make the decision to place her baby. I say "place" on purpose. I'd really like to see us eliminate the wording of "gave away" the baby.
The path toward adoption was filled with miracle after miracle along the way. For more details refer to my earlier post. My daughter's first appointment with LDS family services was not what I expected. There was absolutely no pressure whatsoever to place the baby for adoption. The counselor simply worked with my daughter to see all of her options. He drew a circle on the board with the baby in the center which helped reinforce for all of us that the baby was the most important one in the whole process. From choosing an adoptive couple, to a lawyer, to birth and beyond, the counselor was with her and me. When we first met the adoptive couple, the counselor asked what I (grandma) would like to have happen in the situation. He was sensitive to the fact that a girl's decision to place her baby affects more than just the girl, the baby and the adoptive couple. I was overcome with emotion at the question but immediately knew my response--I wanted to be in the sealing room when that sweet baby was sealed to her forever family. The sweet couple agreed. I can say without hesitation that some of most sacred experiences I have ever had happened in the temple and that day, a year and a half after the birth, was one of the top ones of my life.
When people ask me how many grandchildren I have, I don't include the sweetheart born to my youngest daughter in the number. She has two wonderful grandmas. Someday if she wants to call me grandma, or if we lived close to them, that would be fine. But for now I'm content to know that my daughter made the best decision of her life. She blessed herself, the baby, the adoptive couple and their family, and by sharing in the many sacred experiences, my life was blessed as well. Really, aren't all my children adopted? Each child that I gave birth to is first and foremost a child of God. My children are just on loan to me from Heavenly Father. He has trusted me to nurture, protect and mother His children. What a sacred trust that is! Am I ever truly worthy of that trust? This perspective is not much different from earthly adoption.
Note: The LDS church no longer facilitates adoptions but provides referrals and counseling.
I find it really interesting that without exception people are overjoyed for the adoptive couple who are blessed with that precious baby. Family and friends are thrilled to welcome the new addition, can't believe how long the couple waited, and exclaim over the fact that the couple are so deserving of a baby. What seems to be missing is acknowledgment of the other part of the equation. For every deserving couple there is a courageous girl and her family who realized they weren't giving the baby away, they were giving the baby MORE.
In my limited experience it seems that a big deterrent to LDS birth moms placing their babies for adoption is their family, especially their own mother who can't imagine "giving away" their own flesh and blood. How can the lives of deserving couples be blessed without the sacrifice of unselfish girls and their mothers? I would just like to encourage any who find themselves in the situation of an unplanned, unmarried pregnancy to consider adoption.
Adoption is not about giving "away" a baby; it is about giving the baby more. When my daughter announced she was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with many emotions. My first concern was for my daughter's health and the health of the baby. I vowed to support my daughter any way I could but naturally first encouraged her to possibly marry the father and/or consider adoption. It was not that I felt my daughter would be a bad mother; on the contrary, I knew she would be and will be a great mother. She is kind, compassionate, mature and loving. I also knew I could help her. I have raised five children; I'm ok at the mothering thing. But for me and ultimately my daughter it came down to what was best for that innocent baby. In the ultimate plan of our Heavenly Father, would my daughter be able to bring her child into a covenant marriage? When marriage was not an option, the realization of doing what was best for the baby helped my daughter make the decision to place her baby. I say "place" on purpose. I'd really like to see us eliminate the wording of "gave away" the baby.
The path toward adoption was filled with miracle after miracle along the way. For more details refer to my earlier post. My daughter's first appointment with LDS family services was not what I expected. There was absolutely no pressure whatsoever to place the baby for adoption. The counselor simply worked with my daughter to see all of her options. He drew a circle on the board with the baby in the center which helped reinforce for all of us that the baby was the most important one in the whole process. From choosing an adoptive couple, to a lawyer, to birth and beyond, the counselor was with her and me. When we first met the adoptive couple, the counselor asked what I (grandma) would like to have happen in the situation. He was sensitive to the fact that a girl's decision to place her baby affects more than just the girl, the baby and the adoptive couple. I was overcome with emotion at the question but immediately knew my response--I wanted to be in the sealing room when that sweet baby was sealed to her forever family. The sweet couple agreed. I can say without hesitation that some of most sacred experiences I have ever had happened in the temple and that day, a year and a half after the birth, was one of the top ones of my life.
When people ask me how many grandchildren I have, I don't include the sweetheart born to my youngest daughter in the number. She has two wonderful grandmas. Someday if she wants to call me grandma, or if we lived close to them, that would be fine. But for now I'm content to know that my daughter made the best decision of her life. She blessed herself, the baby, the adoptive couple and their family, and by sharing in the many sacred experiences, my life was blessed as well. Really, aren't all my children adopted? Each child that I gave birth to is first and foremost a child of God. My children are just on loan to me from Heavenly Father. He has trusted me to nurture, protect and mother His children. What a sacred trust that is! Am I ever truly worthy of that trust? This perspective is not much different from earthly adoption.
Please consider adoption. It is an act of love, an act of faith, an act of sacrifice and an act that will bless many.
Note: The LDS church no longer facilitates adoptions but provides referrals and counseling.
Comments
Insightful thoughts. Thanks for sharing. My vocabulary is changed. "Placed" from now on.